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Academic Writing
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Stage 2

The choice of more formal language has made an enormous impact on the academic tone of the text. Compare the original text to the revised version. (Sometimes several of the alternatives offered in the previous exercise were correct so the revised text below may not be exactly the same as your answer).

 

Original Text Revised Version
Brown and Raymond's article is good because of how it has been put together. It is organised into numerous separate sections, which turn a long article into a series of small, easily readable sections. These mean the person reading can browse through the piece of writing and quickly find important pieces of information. These pieces of information are also easily found because the start of the piece of writing gives a brief yet highly detailed outline of what's in it.

The article is also good because it uses lots of evidence such as references and statistical data to back up what the authors say. In contrast to these strengths, however, the article has a few bad points. There is bit of a problem because the authors have used a number of references that are pretty old in comparison to the publication date of their article. A bigger issue, however, is the authors' obvious bias against hospitalisation as a treatment alternative.
One of the strengths of Brown and Raymond's article is its organisation and layout. It is organised into numerous separate sections, which transform a reasonably lengthy article into a series of small, easily readable sections. These enable the reader to browse through the article and quickly find important pieces of information. These pieces of information are also easily located because the article's introductory paragraph gives a brief yet highly detailed outline of the content.

Another of its strengths is the extensive use of evidence such as references and statistical data to give validity to the authors' claims. In contrast to these strengths, however, the article contains several weaknesses. One minor weakness is that the authors have used a number of references that are outdated in comparison to the publication date of their article. Of greater concern, however, is the authors' obvious bias against hospitalisation as a treatment alternative.


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